The dread mercury retrogade will be over soon and … perhaps I may resume my life.

There are three this year. Aberrations, blots on the calendar when nothing can be scheduled that will not be met with abject failure.

I peek out from under the foil blanket that covers the fortress in my bedroom.  The foil is meant to shield me from the rays of this sinister reversing planet that would leave me bereft of all common sense and willpower. My eyes sting from lack of sleep, but who can miss a moment’s vigilance during this dreaded configuration?

In the highly logical system where the heavens rotate around the earth, there are times when the Unspeakable happens.  The planets do tread in Reverse! Oh what Unholy movement that results in such terrible sorrows! Do not bother to stare at the heavens to note this phenomena, for you can look it up on the internet: Behold! It moves Backwards!

Oh Unnatural Despicable Planetary Dance Move of Darkness!

If only there were some way to perceive the Universe where this truth were not self evident!

So… I do nothing. The applications for work, for proposals that may make me some money, the pursuit of any goal whatsoever goes untouched until that time when the DREADED MERCURY RETROGRADE has passed. And even when it does, oh absurdity that is this life!, still must I be wary and ever-hesitant and fearful with all my actions, for The Post Shadow of The Mercury Retrograde may fall upon me¹note that there is also a wicked Pre-Shadow of Mercury Retrograde, when the Wise do begin to duck for cover, clouding my reason, botching my Google calendar, and doing many other nefarious things such as the recent hole in my pocket from which dropped my keys that are now lost forever.

Damn you Mercury Retrograde!

All is lost! Where did that twenty dollar bill go? Mercury Retrograde! I missed a dental appointment! Oh dastardly Retrograde! My email loads … so … slowly. It is The Retrograde. And if I ever do receive those emails and text messages, I know the corruption of their content…

For they will be of the most confusing nature, lacking context or resolution, often requiring multiple messages to ascertain what the hell they are even talking about.

Can’t anyone be simple and direct?

I close my laptop. I push it away! Dangerous it is even to touch it! It may suddenly die for no other reason than The Mercury Retrograde.

I am in a fearful state. A change of location may do me good. But wait, how will I get … anywhere? Mercury is in charge of Communication AND Transportation.

My car may not start when I turn the ignition during this awful phase of existence that happens 30% of the year²counting the Pre and Post Shadows of course. How will I negotiate Time and Space? Dare I even stand when there is a chance I may fall? No, even that is too dangerous. I shall crawl on my belly from now on.

There is no salvation.

I did try to use the remedy crafted by the Witch of Forks, Washington, but my match went out. Opposed by Mercury Retrograadafda

In past discussions of astrology, when people did not know everything as we do now, retrogrades did not receive much attention.  The so-called dignities of planets meant much more than retrograde motion. Now, in this modern Age of wisdom from social media, finally, the emphasis has been placed aright.

All that is necessary to know about Astrology is two-fold: when is the next SuperMoon, and when will we be free from the curse of Mercury Retrograde!

I apologize for the splling errors, but spellcheck will not work at this time. I also noticed that I have accidentally typed in the name of a sports drink into the blog title. I dare not try and fix this error for fear I will lose the entire blog post. I must leave it untouched. Perhaps several days from now, well past the Shadow of the Retrograde, I may try my luck against the fickle forces of the Planets that ever bend and weaken my will.

Until then…